Dating in itself is a challenge, but dating someone with a chronic condition or a disability can cause additional challenges – you’re really stepping into the unknown. In this post, I attempt to make it easier through some simple tips…
What I speak of today is a mixture of what I would like to share along with tips from those who wish to remain anonymous.
These tips are also written with three medical conditions in mind – endometriosis, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome and adenomyosis because I understand these conditions from a personal perspective.
If you wish to add your thoughts then you’re always welcome to do so in the comments section below or email me on [email protected] – would love to hear from you 🙂
Also, these tips are for the person getting involved with someone who is battling a medical issue so the tips may appear one sided but the purpose is to aptly equip the one who doesn’t have such health concerns.
If you prefer to see a video version of this post then you can right here, if not then scroll through:
Tips: Dating Someone with a Chronic Illness
1. Educate Yourself
Seems like an obvious one but still – know what chronic condition your date is facing.
Knowing the name or what it is in general is a start but it may not be enough, instead it’s best to read up on what the medical condition is and how it makes your date feel – what challenges does he/she go through.
You will usually find your date very willing to explain what their challenges are based on your willingness to listen, learn and understand.
If you, at any point feel uncomfortable, politely let your date know because not all of us are equipped to take in a lot of information in one go – ask your date to break it down or go over it slowly – and even then, if you don’t manage to remember everything (since it is a lot to take in), don’t be afraid to ask again.
This only shows that you are interested and are looking to be more aware of this person’s situation.
I always feel a partner / a date should be made to feel comfortable enough to ask whatever they wish to – after all, it’s possibly a whole new territory for them.
2. Understand the Challenges of that Individual
I know I’ve briefly mentioned this above, but there is a difference between hearing what challenges are faced and understanding and then actually watching your partner experience those.
So when you’re in that ‘understanding’ phase – in reality the situations may not be as easy as when you hear them.
This life is your date’s normal so maybe, when they explain something, the intensity of their challenges may not be so evident.
Also, everyone with the same illness have different symptoms and have different accompanying medical conditions to go with it so whatever you read up on – take that as just a very basic baseline – something to help you get started.
This also means that it may not be a great idea to compare your date’s condition to someone else you know who has the same medical issue – especially if the one you know isn’t appearing to be as troubled as your date.
Everyone is different with their own set of complications and if not spoken carefully this can be construed by your date that he/she is either exaggerating or faking their issue.
One last point here – if your date re-schedules then don’t feel ignored or offended. Flareups can happen suddenly and its affects can last for days.
If evenings are more troublesome for your date, then look at brunch/lunch/evening tea-coffee as alternate options… something that works well for you both.
3. Get to Know the Real Person
A chronically ill person isn’t defined by their illness.
Yes their condition does create challenges for them which they need to constantly adjust their life around, but they have a personality.
As you would with anyone, get to know about the rest of their life – discover who they are just as the date would do with you.
Carrying pre-conceived notions about how someone should be when they’re ill also hampers the way we treat them.
For example, many conditions like endometriosis are invisible illnesses. There is no real visual indication that this person is unwell.
We assume someone ill will look ill – and when they don’t, we judge based on our pre-conceived notions.
Therefore get to know this date of yours for who they are as a whole – don’t define them by their illness and what you expect an ill person to be like.
4. Be Yourself
Sometimes we tip-toe around the elephant in the room – in this case it may be the illness. This tip-toeing stops us being ourselves.
So please, be yourself, address the medical issue but be the person you are, whether that’s compassionate, caring, humorous or serious – however you are, be real – that’s the best way to build a connect with anyone, whether they’re unwell or not.
Being real is the most valuable asset you can bring to a relationship (along with being communicative).
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5. Treat as an Equal
Many times, those with medical conditions are perceived to be weak.
Depending on the person’s illness, they may have a physical weakness but the mind may not be so.
Most dealing with chronic conditions haven’t just had to battle with their pains and other symptoms of their condition but they’ve also had to endure multiple tests and most importantly, had to battle through a range of doctors to get their diagnosis.
They’ve had to be their own advocate.
Such battles require a lot of strength so expect most people with a chronic illness to be mentally resilient and be very aware of what’s happening around them.
So, yes please respect your date, value their journey, perceive them to be strong but also – don’t put them on a pedestal that almost embarrasses them.
Personally speaking, when you have to battle through doctors and medications – you tend to value life more, become less petty and have respect for everyone’s fight. This thought process actually makes you feel a lot stronger.
6. Pace It
Like any relationship, it’s always good to take time to understand each other.
Be realistic that this process of understanding could take longer because there are layers to a medical condition that may not all come up in the first few conversations.
Over time, see where you both stand emotionally, mentally and even physically.
Rushing anything can cause resentment later.
Instead look to grow together, slowly.
7. Understand Intimacy
Taking the above point forward, anyone with a chronic condition, such as endometriosis or adenomyosis, for them comfort in intimacy can vary.
This too needs to be understood and paced because anyone suffering with a chronic condition could be at a different stage in terms of their pain levels, therefore communication is essential.
Being open about this topic tends to release a lot of unnecessary mental pressures.
Read Here For:
- My Thoughts & Tips: Chronic Illness and Relationships
- My Diet for Endometriosis & Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome
8. How to Introduce Your Social Group
If your date’s medical condition has visible signs, then it is natural that those around you will be curious to know what has happened.
It’s always good to ask the one with the illness of how they would like their condition to be described amongst others.
Also remember, not everyone would be encouraging or understanding that you are dating someone with medical issues.
Such friends/family may feel as if they’re protecting you, which maybe true but their beliefs should not hamper your relationship because it’s you that has been attracted to your date’s personality.
Trust your own judgement too.
When you do have your date meet your social circle, make an extra effort for your date to feel comfortable and cared for.
You will find many with chronic conditions struggle in social settings, especially around people they don’t know because stepping out and being social isn’t a regular activity for them because of their limitations in health.
If your date has an invisible chronic condition then let it be a mutual decision on whether you wish to reveal information on health issues – which actually isn’t even a necessity.
This is where you could encourage your date to take the lead and let him/her first feel comfortable with this set of people.
Let your date open up at their own pace.
9. Adapt
Chronic illness symptoms aren’t always the same.
The person suffering has to constantly adjust themselves based on which symptoms they’re having to handle.
No two days will be the same which is why you’re going to find yourself adapting to your boyfriend/girlfriend’s varying needs.
It is a challenge at first but over time, you both as partners will grow together.
10. Hear
Chronic illness does not just affect the body but troubles the mind too.
Speaking about this can be quite a release, even if it can be repetitive at times and this is where the person suffering needs someone to hear them.
As a partner, this is naturally desired from you – that you become that ear. Just as you may share or complain about your day to your partner, he/she may do the same about their health day.
You may not be able to cure the person, but you hearing them out is a form of therapy that would be helpful.
11. Be Honest
Being with someone who is battling a chronic condition isn’t exactly easy, which is where honesty plays a huge role.
Ask yourself, “am I cut out for this?” – first answer this honestly to yourself and if you feel you’re not, tell your date this – don’t be hanging around, building hope and wasting time.
It’s not fair on either of you.
But if the answer is that you do feel cut out for this, that this person is so much more than their chronic illness, that there is compatibility, then give them that reassurance that you’re right there for them.
12. Have Clarity on Children
If you see a future together, you both should be on the same page when it comes to wanting children.
A woman with a chronic condition may have physical constraints in being able to carry, give birth and handle a child.
If you both want children then you need to figure out how to make this work keeping the health issues in mind and yes there are usually ways around this so look to figure this out together.
If one of you wants children and the other doesn’t and neither of you feel you can come around to the other person’s want/need then don’t let the relationship drag.
Like mentioned earlier, you don’t want to harbour resentment for any reason.
Additional Tips: Dating Someone with a Disability
Adding on to the tips above, here are a few more to add if you’re dating someone with a physical disability.
13. Understand The Aids Used
Many with visual disabilities or even invisible conditions can use various aids to help them get around and reduce their strain.
For example, for me, I use walking sticks and I also use an arm, wrist, finger, ankle or a knee brace depending on how I am feeling that day.
There are many who need to use wheelchairs and additional aids to help them improve their quality of life.
The use of these aids may not always be needed but an awareness that this maybe the case for your boyfriend/girlfriend is important.
Over time, you may be needed to help them with these aids, which is why understanding when it’s needed and how it’s used can be helpful to your partner.
14. Be Aware of Location Challenges
If you’re meeting up, be aware of how accessible the place is for your date based on their mobility – you wouldn’t your date to face additional and avoidable struggles and pain.
So that’s it from my list – I will keep adding and modifying it over time.
But before I end, I just wish to add – everything mentioned today comes as you grow together. Give yourself time, communicate and be honest with one another.
Good luck and happy dating! 🙂
Oh and If you’re a social media person, then you can follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, Pinterest or YouTube.
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Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I am a patient and have created this platform to share my experiences. This is all purely informative and in no way am I providing medical advice. Please consult a medical professional.
I so agree about learning about the whole person. Illness is just a tiny part of us, there is so much more to everyone and their outlook on life, interests, kindness and so much more. It’s the balance of respecting physical limitations while seeing beyond those for all the other aspects of a person.
Thanks for this useful guide that bears no judgement on any party. I think there are a lot of people out there who are thinking of dating someone with chronic illness but are fearful for an assortment of (valid) reasons. Education is key, it’s not as scary as it sounds!
I’m so glad I’m not in the dating phase of life! It sounds horrible, especially having someone understanding my sporadic ups and downs. However, you’ve provided wise words for anyone in this situation (good suggestions for anyone dating, too).