In a recent post I spoke about being called a hypochondriac – It was also the first time I started doubting my pain – I was a teenager then, but even today having been diagnosed with endometriosis, adenomyosis and Ehlers-Danlos syndrome – I still (sometimes) ask myself – “is it really paining?”. Today I wish to talk about the doubt we put ourselves through.
Is My Pain Real? Is My Chronic Illness Real?
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I’ve stared at this question over the last few days and dealt with the question over the last two decades wondering how I should explain in words this mental and physical confusion that many patients go through.
There are many occasions when I lie in bed, feel the pain in every fragment of my legs, ribs, abdomen, back… unable to do much to help myself, I observe.
I remain a spectator.
I watch the pain, I experience it and wonder if this is really happening – the pain can be so numbing.
I ask – Is this even my body?
Am I really going through this pain or is somehow, my brain tricking me into believing it is.
An odd confusing conversation with myself reminds me of the time I was called a hypochondriac as a teenager by someone who I thought was a friend and someone who had seen me in severe endometriosis and joint pains.
But wait, why am I even talking about this today?
Why is it so important that I write about this?
It’s important because a patient suffering from a chronic illness doesn’t just hear words like ‘hypochondriac’ from a random family member or a friend, they hear words like “it’s in your head” from doctors too.
And a patient won’t experience this from the one random doctor or the one random friend, it’ll happen at multiple times at various stages and it can really contribute to breaking down the mental resolve of a chronic illness warrior, who is not just fighting the condition, but is now having to fight people who plant seeds of doubt leading them to fight their own mind too.
The inability for a random person, family or friend to understand can sadly have such an affect and it takes so much effort to reduce the impact felt on the mind.
This is where I have come to the conclusion that people who say such things don’t have the ability to understand and open up their tunnel vision. They lack empathy, they lack sensitivity and possibly lack exposure to people who have invisible conditions who tend to keep a smile on their face.
Read Here For:
- My Thoughts & Tips: Chronic Illness and Relationships
- Tips: How to Manage School Work, Bullying and Endometriosis
When it comes to doctors, I believe such people in the medical profession aren’t inquisitive enough or… at all. They don’t wish to challenge their medical knowledge and look beyond. They don’t wish to discuss cases with their colleagues and believe there could be truth to what their patients are crying about.
Not everyone needs a psychologist, but if doctors continue to not listen to their patients and believe them to be faking it or believe their patient to have psychological issues then yes, eventually such doctors will drive their patients to such mental states where the help of counselling or a psychologist might be needed.
So what’s my main point here…
My point here is directed to two sets of people.
1. The Family / Friend / Doctor
If you can’t be helpful or empathetic then best to remain quiet.
As a doctor, you can refer that patient to someone who is more curious and willing to challenge their knowledge base.
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2. The Patient
It’s okay to question yourself, it’s okay to observe your pain, it’s okay to try and understand what doesn’t feel so good and what the pain is like.
What isn’t okay is when you doubt yourself.
You’re the only one that is privy to what you specifically are feeling. You have to be your own advocate.
Rinse out the people who cause more commotion than calm – don’t waste your time on doctors who don’t believe you.
Instead, build a small but confident set of people who are willing to be there for you. Don’t end your search in finding a doctor who is willing to learn in order to help you – and yes, there are doctors like that out there.
Relevant Read:
- List: The Doctors Who Treat My Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, POTS & Fibromyalgia
- List: The Doctors Who Treat My Endometriosis & Adenomyosis
But letting doubt play around in your mind will never help your healing process.
I hear you say – “Okay, sounds good in theory but it’s not so easy to get such doubt out of the mind.”
You’re right, it’s not, even I’m a work in progress, but I have reduced the impact that some of these memories and words have had on me – in fact some I’ve even managed to eliminate… and here’s how..
How to Get Rid of Self-Doubt
I feel it’s important to have a process in place and this process doesn’t just work for those who have medical issues, but it can work for anyone harbouring self-doubt.
Here is my process:
1. Observe
I take a step back and observe what I’m feeling.
2. Recognise
While observing I am able to recognise which memories, which words and / or which people are causing the uncomfortable feeling.
Many times I find there to be a pattern of what bothered me – whether it’s the words used or even the tone.
3. Question
I ask myself, why does that tone or word or person or setting bother me still.
A lot of the times the answer to this question leads me to understand how inconsequential that person is, or how limited their thinking is, maybe they’re not in the right headspace, maybe they want to be mean or very honestly there are some things in life you don’t really understand until you don’t experience it and that person hasn’t experienced your condition.
I don’t make excuses for anyone, but I do realise that some people are like that.
4. Remind Myself of My Truth
My truth is the pain I feel, I remind myself that I know what I feel and that doesn’t need to be proven.
5. Acknowledge The Pain
I then go back to recognising and feeling my pain, but this time I acknowledge and respect it because it’s my truth, my pain is real.
I value the the journey I am on.
6. Breathe
As the process unwinds, I focus on my breath, slowly calming my mind of its thoughts.
7. Thank the Body
I then move onto thanking my body for hanging with me, enduring what it does which is still willing to fight through.
I marvel at how much resilience the body has and my respect for this quality of the body cannot be reduced or diminished by words and actions of others.
What I feel is real.
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These are my thoughts on what questioning or doubting ourselves does and the process to get out of it – this takes time and I still have to do this on occasion but it’s a process that’s helped me.
I believe, if we doubt ourselves then how will we manage to work on our healing, which has to begin with a better mental environment.
Mental health is imperative to our physical well-being and it has to be worked upon continuously and this process is one of the ways I help myself.
I hope this helps you or someone you know (do share this with them).
If you have a process you’d like to share then please do let me know in the comments below, because sharing such important experiences and processes allows us to grow and help our mental health – and I would love to hear about different perspectives.
And, finally if you like what I write and are also a social media person then you can follow me on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest – whatever works best for you 🙂
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Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I am a patient and have created this platform to share my experiences. This is all purely informative and in no way am I providing any form of professional medical advice. Please consult a medical professional.
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for writing this. I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I’ve been alone in my head wondering how to cope with my own mental and physical stuff, and not having people around me who understand makes it even harder to deal with. I feel like you have somehow given me “permission” to come out of my little closet where i try to hide my mental and physical pain from my family. I almost cant believe that I’m not the only person who feels this way, and while I’m sorry you have to deal with your issues, Im happy that you are sharing them with the world. What a huge relief to know it’s not just me. Again, thank you.
Hi Tracey,
I cannot even begin to explain what your comment made me feel – I felt sad that you’re going through all that you are, I felt so pleased that what I was trying to say connected like this and is helping you, I also felt humbled because I think in my own bubble of trying to be vocal and trying to take care of myself I lost sight of how tough it can get when we don’t voice how we feel.
I hope amidst everything, you do find the strength to give more power and validation to how you feel. I’d love to know how your journey unfolds, so please do stay in touch.
And… thank you so much for reaching out like this – I know it isn’t easy and what you said really meant a lot. Thank you once again.
Big hug…
-Shruti
I think so many of us have self-doubt at times when it comes to our pain or other symptoms. And that becomes exacerbated by others doubting you too, and it sometimes becomes a vicious cycle. So agree that we need to go back to our truth.
Thank you Shruti!
It’s so important to manage that self-doubt. With FND, pain isn’t my biggest issue, but this resonated deeply for me because what FND seems to impact most is the part of the brain that is aware of the control you have over your body. I have muscle jerks and other movements that occur when I experience certain levels of stress. That stress expresses as those muscle movements, which are in areas of my body that I normally conciously control. As I heal and attempt to regain some of that control, I find that I can better anticipate symptoms, and stop or manage them more quickly. The downside to that, though, is that then I wonder if I am making it happen. Did I get symptomatic because I expected to, or because I couldn’t prevent it? I reassure myself that I don’t want to be symptomatic, but sometimes that doubt lingers….just like that pain you so eloquently described.
There really is such a fine line between self doubt in a negative sense, and questioning plus observing our thoughts for a reason. Thanks for breaking these down into actionable steps!