I find that many of us get bullied by those who have an imposing and more of an aggressive personality than us. We find it tough to say ‘no’ and end up being taken for granted. How do we overcome this? What steps can we take to make a change for ourselves? Listen on for today’s podcast…
Here’s is a link to the podcast, but if you can’t have a listen, then the text of it is below:
Being Taken for Granted & Learning to say ‘No’
“Hi.. hello… it’s Shruti and this is my podcast – in this space I speak about life lessons, chronic conditions, mental and physical health tips and experiences.
Today, let me begin with a story…
Recently I had a tough encounter with a neighbour – a neighbour who thought it was it was okay to continue flouting rules for over four months, cause me trouble while I recover from surgery and then once the neighbour’s work was done, the neighbour felt it was appropriate to come say “I’m sorry for all the trouble we caused”.
I felt two I had options here, say “it’s okay, no problem” or let the lady know that how she treated another human being was selfish, how she was in the wrong because she knew she was flouting the rules, how she took advantage, took us for granted and was highly inconsiderate and was mean…
I had a choice, a choice to take this opportunity to not be taken for granted and say “no” I’m not going to take this rubbish.
So I chose to not be taken for granted – I expressed everything that I just mentioned with outmost respect, but I was clear and firm. At no point did I let her believe that what happened was the slightest bit okay despite the reasoning she gave me, because I was very clear – you can’t knowingly do something wrong and then make excuses… and then for that to even be acceptable.
It’s actually not a very Indian thing to do – you’re not meant to confront people, you’re expected to smile and take it because otherwise it’s seen as being rude, uncultured and disrespectful – but over the years, I’ve learnt that being upfront is lighter on the mind, more respectful and stops you from being untruthful and fake.
But I learnt this the hard way.
Before I continue, I wish ask you…
Are you one of the those people who find it tough to say “No” to doing favours, or doing something for free for anyone who asks you to do so? It can be family, friends, a colleague or even your neighbour. Do you then find it tough to confront that person when they take you for granted?
Does it frustrate you that you end up spending valuable time doing so much more for others than you would for yourself? Or you’re interrupted at a time when you would rather focus on something that holds value to you?
I think it’s great to be helpful, to think of others and be supportive – this is where you pick and choose and even look at the person you’re helping and ask yourself – is this someone whom you should go out of your way for?
If not, and being overly helpful to them eats away into your own productivity, your own leisure time, then eventually it does begin to hinder your mental state, why? because it makes you feel used or taken for granted or disrespected.
So then, why do some of us find it tough to say no ….?
I would like to add here, that there was such a time when I struggled to say no. I found it tough to say no so that I didn’t come across as someone who was rude and selfish and unhelpful.
But over the years it exhausted me – and strangely I should’ve been more careful considering I’ve been unwell for so long, but I didn’t, and neither did anyone else.
I feel we find it tough to say no because it sounds like we’re rejecting someone – it sounds negative. We start to worry about what the other person will think.
Plus we all want to appear nice and kind. But isn’t it strange, we’re okay to appear nice but not truthful. Isn’t sad that we’re okay to hurt ourselves at times?
We need to realise the fact that when we say no, we’re helping ourselves, we’re protecting ourselves from doing something we don’t wish to do.
And it’s also all about priorities, is your life a priority to you? If so, then we struggle to show that when we constantly find ourselves saying “yes”.
When you’re appearing available, when you start doing whatever is asked of you, and you do it with ease, you then become an easy route for the other person to use you each time you’re needed.
So maybe for example, if you add a price to your work, you’re instantly adding value. It plays a psychological influence on the other person’s mind.
That seeker, pauses, takes note and either gives you what you say you’re worth or he/she doesn’t and they look elsewhere.
Valuing yourself first and showing that, changes the way others perceive us.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be helpful, but picking and choosing where the other person truly needs help might be better.
Think about your own growth, and provide help where it will truly be valued through gratitude… or even monetary gain… the bottom line is, you should receive a sense of satisfaction or peace or even feel neutral towards it, but frustration or losing out on your own life isn’t worth it.
Now I hear you ask… how do you say “no”?
At first, it’s a little odd, but I began by being non-committal in my replies, by saying that I will get back to the person. This gave me space to evaluate on whether I really wanted to take on the request, if not then it allowed me to come up with an appropriate response.
As I gained confidence to do this, I found it easier to say no in the first go itself. I would just reply “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to do this for you” or “I gave it thought and it doesn’t work out for me”.
Such a response has come as a shock to people, but over time, selfish and frivolous requests have reduced and I am so much at peace.
Don’t allow yourself to be bullied, to be coaxed, to be manipulated by those who have a way with words – they know you’ll cave in. Instead…
Be helpful where it’s needed, be kind, but don’t hurt yourself – it’s not healthy.
All this comes when you respect yourself – maybe begin by asking yourself if you do.
Now as for that neighbour who troubled me… when I told her of her selfishness, she struggled to hear all that I said – almost seemed ashamed of having treated someone who is unwell in such a crappy manner – regardless of my health, her work should not have disrupted my life, but it did.
I can only hope she learnt her lesson – I can only hope she understood that taking people for granted and expecting them to accept everything you throw at them is wrong.
As for me, I was quietly proud of myself – I stood up for something that caused me hurt, harm and loss of peace.
The point of this entire monologue here by me is to let you all know that being taken for granted isn’t right, and saying “no” is absolutely fine.
I’ll end here… I hope today’s topic makes you think about where you stand in all this – are you struggling with either aspect of being taken for granted or not being able to say “no” or have you managed to get out of this web?
If you have and have experiences you’d like to share then please get in touch with me through Instagram on @footprintsnoboundaries or through email [email protected]
Until next time… byeee”
Some Relevant Reading:
- Podcast Ep 2: Habits – Do You Compare Yourself to Others?
- Is My Pain Real or Imagined? How to Get Rid of Self-Doubt When Having a Chronic Illness
Do share your thoughts in the comments section below – would also love to know if you have any topics that you think would be good to hear about.
Previous: Podcast Episode 4 – Are Our Problems Really Our Own?
Up Next: Podcast Episode 6 – What Do I Do With My Life? What’s My Purpose?
If you’re a social media person, then you can follow me on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook or Pinterest.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I am a patient and have created this platform to share my experiences. This is all purely informative and in no way am I providing medical advice. Please consult a medical professional.
