I believe we’ve all had to deal with manipulators and their manipulations – but how do you recognise that it’s actually happening to you? In today’s podcast, I share what I’ve understood based on my own experiences. Listen here…
…but if you can’t have a listen, then you can read what I’ve said too:
Manipulation. Manipulator. Manipulated.
“And todaaayy… I think, I have taken on quite a challenge!
Hi hellooo I’m Shruti and this is my podcast space where I speak about life lessons, chronic conditions, mental and physical health tips and experiences.
As the title of this podcast will tell you, I’m going to talk about “manipulations, manipulators and the manipulated” …and I’m hoping I’m going to find the right words for it because I want to be pretty direct about manipulations and manipulators…and ummm those that are manipulated.
But for this I feel it’s best I add a disclaimer – I’m not a psychologist or a health professional that’s giving any form of advice – I am laying down my perspective in which I am trying to understand how best to see the signs and how best to the handle situation when dealing with a manipulator – all purely based on my own experience – so if you feel you need any form of help, please seek a counsellor or another relevant health professional for your situation.
Now with such important disclaimer all done…
Let’s begin…
I was looking at the definition of “manipulate” and it says “to handle or control in a skilful manner.”
I feel we’ve all been manipulated at some point in our lives, some of us are currently being manipulated… and many of us find it so tough to realise that it’s happening… we give people the benefit of the doubt… and our trust but it’s not until much later do we listen to our instincts…hmmm
Firstly I want to speak about what manipulation really is for me and not the dictionary definition… it’s when someone wants to influence you into doing what they want you to do by getting you to think how they want you to think, which then makes it all feel like it was your idea or if something goes wrong then it’s all your fault too… this sounds a bit like brain washing to me…
…umm.. I hope I’m making sense and I hope I don’t lose you guys on this so fingers crossed…
Okay now what matters most in all this is the person’s intentions and I’m really only speaking about people who do NOT have the best intentions at heart.
I don’t know about the rest of you obviously, but when I’m being manipulated I start to feel uncomfortable and mentally very unsettled… yet the weird thing is, at this point I don’t know for sure that I’m being manipulated – the person has been sweet, kind and in general quite normal – I have nothing to go by, yet it does not feel right.
Then if I attempt to listen to my instincts and look to keep my distance from such a person for no valid reason then I’m being rude and unfair or maybe my judgement is off or maybe I’m being extra-cautious about people in general.
It’s so silly, rather than trusting myself I’m more concerned about how someone else will perceive me – and you know what that’s all part of the manipulation and also part of the fact that we don’t want anyone to think badly of us!
So after learning some harsh lessons, now, if I start to feel that something is not quite right about someone… I do these three things..
1. I observe them more
2. I listen more and obviously then I speak less
3. I make it a point to not agree to everything – like not always saying yes to meeting up, or helping them with their work, or even their finances.In general, these three things are additional layers of protection – it gives me time to understand the situation as well.
Like I said, I’ve learnt this the hard way – I’ve been horribly hurt and put through such unnecessary guilt – but you know what got me out of it?
Distance.
Distance allowed me to look at the situation I am in as a whole and it allowed me to observe each individuals role in that situation – this distance made me realise that I wasn’t me anymore.
It allowed me to see that I agreed to things I never felt right about because I was fed the manipulators ideas as if they were right and better and my own… O’ boy what a brainwash…and…
Sadly there’s no real way to spot a manipulator from a mile away… there’s no real look to how a manipulator looks – it’s got nothing to do with how well they dress or how well they don’t dress, what gender they are or even what they say… it’s all about how they say whatever they say.
Their ability to switch their emotions in order to play to the situation can be quite fascinating to watch when you detach and start to observe. Another interesting thing I found was watching a manipulator play the victim card or being apologetic when they see they’re losing you – and again, this isn’t just an attribute amongst manipulative friends, colleagues or people in relationships, but even in relatives and also in people trying to scam you off your money… it’s a trait of manipulators.
So to close this whole thing – I think what I wish to say is that listen to your instincts. If you don’t trust your instincts then how about you start watching yourself and seeing whether you’re changing – whether you’re allowed to still be the same person, whether your views are still valid – how your confidence levels are…?
…I believe there will be so many signs and all you need to do is to watch out for is whether the changes you’re going through are swayed by someone else.
In case you’re asking – how does one get out of this?
If you feel you can’t break free by distancing yourself from this manipulator then reach out to someone you’re close to and trust – let them know what’s happening and ask for their help.
If you don’t have any such person in your life and your situation is dire then I’d suggest seeking a counsellor or an organisation that can get you out – but honestly the answer to this question really depends on your situation.
No matter what, you’ll need to psych-up your confidence to help you come through feeling stronger and like you’ve learnt an important lesson – the lesson to never ignore the red flags and to listen to yourself.
Trust yourself – be true to what you see, feel and understand. Also don’t knock your mistakes and your vulnerability by being unkind to yourself.
I will end here and if you wish to get in touch with me and would like to share something regarding today’s topic then please either email me on [email protected] or message me on Instagram @footprintsnoboundaries.
I will end here…take care of yourself…and… b-bye.”
Read Here For:
- Podcast Ep 5: Being Taken for Granted & Learning to say ‘No’
- 11+ Things All Girls Should Know
- How A Mouth Guard Has Almost Cured My Migraine
I’d love to know what you thought of today’s podcast. Please do share your thoughts in the comments section below…
Previous: Podcast Episode 10 – What it Takes to Keep Going
Up Next: Podcast Episode 12 – Blogging When You Don’t Like Writing [and Have a Chronic Illness!]
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Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. I am a patient and have created this platform to share my experiences. This is all purely informative and in no way am I providing medical advice. Please consult a medical professional.
Yes, listen to that gut instinct. If you get an uncomfortable feeling, then there’s something off. (From a chronic gullible person)
Aaaaww Katie 🙁 …yes we shouldn’t ignore that uncomfortable feeling.
Excellent points and that is exactly how I would describe it too. After a while, you start picking up on it quicker. I really like the tips you listed here and I’d say my best tip from your list is not giving them an opportunity. When this starts happening, I stop talking and just let them talk for a bit, and I am non committal. I don’t agree or disagree. I usually just say, ‘Hmmm…’ Or “I’ll think about that.’ Most folks who do this are looking for answers and are looking for some sort of an altercation because manipulation is always about control to an extent. I don’t let them have control.
Great post!
Thank you Carrie… yes…such people want control and when they don’t get that, it starts to frustrate such people. And then you hope they give up and leave you alone!
I think it’s so true about listening to your gut instinct. I’ve definitely had moments when a situation just seems ‘off’ and I can’t put my finger on why, but I’ve known to walk away from it (or them). Great discussion Shruti!
Thank you Claire. I’m so glad you are able to walk away. Many people struggle because they feel so guilty. Thank you for sharing 🙂
I’ve noticed I’m a very easy target for manipulation when I’m brain-fogged (which is often the case). Last year, I was manipulated into feeling extremely guilty for something I didn’t do, and, in my bleary state, I apologized. I left the encounter holding so much tension in my body, I didn’t recognize until hours later that this was my body telling me that something was off. Definitely a good idea to tune into those instincts. Great advice as always Shruti 🙂
🙁 …that doesn’t sound too good Jason. I can understand the brain fog part but because I try to observe my day (objectively) as I lie in bed before sleeping, I can somehow pick those moments where someone’s intentions are seem off to me while I was brain fogged. It helps for my instincts to kick in. Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing your story 🙂
Like you mentioned, it can be really hard to know once you’re entrenched and become a victim of the manipulator. Like chronic pain it kind of creeps up on you until it becomes ‘normal’. One really needs to take a step back and also muster the courage to see the truth. Thanks for these great podcast topics!
O’ yes! I know what you mean. It does creep up – very cleverly. I do love how you’ve equated it to chronic pain though! 😀
Thank you for your encouragement Sheryl 🙂